Sick Day

Yedera,

Good morning! I hope y’all are having an awesome day. The kind of day where you watch like 5 hours of K-dramas and each episode is better than the last. The kind of day where you get to spend a few hours going down the rabbit hole of Pinterest for new pics of your bias. I am NOT having that kind of day. And I suggest, if you are having that kind of awesome day, you just stop reading now. The following entry has been a rant about nothing. I feel the need to post it anyways, but you shouldn’t feel the need to read it anyways.

You were warned.  If you didn’t stop there, I am sorry for the following rant of general grumpiness….

So, I called in sick yesterday because my anxiety levels were so high due to the move. I have to say, that is the worst part about dealing with major depression and generalized anxiety. Sometimes, it paralyzes you and makes it so you can’t deal with the day. So you call in sick. But, it is so awkward. Because, what do you say, “I can’t come in to work today because I can’t get out of bed?” “I can’t come to work because I am having a panic attack?” “I am paralyzed with anxiety right now.” All those things are true, but really too much information. And also probably sounds made up to people who do not have depression and anxiety.

Second worst part is dealing with the anxiety when it is that high. I literally slept the day away. Every time I woke up, I would check my social networking sites, make a few comments, and then go back to sleep. I couldn’t even watch dramas. It was that bad. And honestly, I am still feeling overwhelmed even now. But I only have like 8 days left of work and I already feel guilty for calling in yesterday.

So what am I so anxious about? It is hard to put a name on it. Again, this another thing that sucks about depression and anxiety disorders. Sometimes, there just isn’t an easy way to explain your feelings. In the broadest sense, I am most likely anxious about CHANGE.

Things that are changing:

I will be unemployed in 8 days.

I will be moving back to California in 14 days.

My family is coming to Texas for Jacky’s graduation in 9 days.

And I am completely unprepared for any of these things. Plus there is the fact that I get along with my family better from a distance. And not only are they coming here. But my dad is staying to help us move. (And we are freaking driving across half of the country.) And THEN, I am going to be living with my family again. And I just don’t foresee that going well. Everyone (in my family) keeps saying that it is going to be fine. But it is like they have forgotten that I am the black sheep. I am not a bad person, but I don’t really fit in with my family most of the time.

Ugh. The real question is, why am I blogging about this? Part of me hopes that like my Park Bo Gum post, this one just never really gets read. But then another part of me is hoping that you will read this and like everyone in my family, you tell me the almost meaningless phrase, “it is going to be alright”. Meaningless because I stubbornly refuse to be reassured. Not meaningless because nobody means it.

And I could just keep ranting and ranting about this. But this has taken the edge off, so I think I will stop now. I apologize to anyone who had to read this.

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7 Comments Add yours

  1. | a s h | says:

    Can I just say I like this post for no relevant reason. Whoops I already did 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Noël says:

    I am so sorry you had a such a difficult day. I also suffer from extreme anxiety and depression and can empathize with the awkward struggle of trying to explain why you need to take the day off. People who don’t experience these things have a hard time understanding why you’d need to stay home to try and tame your anxiety, so like you, I always just try and say I’m sick or ill without any further details. Otherwise, like you said, they’d judge or interrogate which is just demeaning and frustrating. Anyway, it sounds like you are indeed dealing with a lot right now. Those are some major changes so I can see why you are feeling so anxious about them. On top of that, anxiety can be so debilitating and exhausting, so even though it was upsetting that you couldn’t even muster up the energy or mindset to watch dramas, the sleep was probably good for your mind and body in the long run. This post is probably good for you as well. At least you were able to let out some nervous energy. I don’t know your family dynamic so I can’t ever understand how you must feel to be moving back in with them, but I hope things won’t be as bad as you might think. I hope you can find strength, and that things will all come together and work out well in the end. Take care. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks chingu. It’s nice to know I’m not alone with the intense feelings.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. jennymangoes says:

    I have no experience with what you’re dealing with so the best I can offer is: I hope you feel better! ☀️

    Liked by 1 person

  4. dearie, how are you feeling? unni is here for you if you need someone to talk to about anything…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Unni. Honestly, another not fabulous day. 😦 but it is nice to know I have people who care about me.

      Like

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